Published in Connections Magazine (November/December 2013)

Learn about Connections here

faith and family

Anticipate

by Marcus J. Carlson

When I think about Advent, three key terms come to mind as we prepare for the coming of the Christ child: waiting, expectation and anticipation. It is certainly a season of preparation. As a church and a culture, we are distracted by earthly preparations such as shopping, decorating, packing and wrapping instead of the kingdom preparation. Our goal should be preparing our hearts to celebrate the birth of Jesus, God’s only begotten Son. He came to earth to point us to God, show us life, save us and guide us to the abundant life God desires for each of us.

Advent is a season of waiting. As a father of two children, I think of how they eagerly wait for Christmas morning. I also remember the waiting my wife, Jessica, and I experienced during her pregnancies. I can only imagine Mary and Joseph’s experience.

As Advent leads up to Christmas, it is also a season of expectation, knowing Christmas will come whether we are ready or not. There are certain aspects of the Advent season leading up to Christmas we can expect with great consistency, and hopefully our expectation is characterized by joy.

Advent is also to be a season of anticipation—not only anticipating the Christ child, but also reminding us that we can and should anticipate the coming of God into our lives each day. When it comes to our lives, our churches and our families, I think we have failed and continue to fail when it comes to anticipation. Our failure to anticipate is a theological and spiritual issue. As our culture grows more cynical, I have found that the church has modeled our culture in this way and many others. We often anticipate the worst in our lives, our families, our churches and the world.

A colleague and good friend who used to be my supervisor once challenged my own cynical mindset in telling me I should “always assume a yes.” In other words, always assume the best in people and the best in situations. Assume a positive posture and response. At first this idea seemed a bit fluffy and overly optimistic, but in time I have found it has been extremely helpful in my life. It has changed how I see people and situations without blinding me to challenges and difficult realities. It has changed my attitude when responding to different people and situations. It also has caused me to be more open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

The challenge is that we often fail to anticipate God’s work in our lives and relationships. We fail to assume a yes with one another, but also with God. We fail to remember the power of God’s grace as well as God’s miraculous redeeming power. In this way, we fail to be an Advent people. In Advent and Christmas we remember and celebrate the coming of God’s only Son to earth, the coming of a King and Savior in the form of a humble and innocent baby, born in controversy and in the midst of livestock. Simply put, we forget Emmanuel, God with us.

One of the great miracles of Christmas is that God came to earth to be with the people He created out of love. God is still with us, and Advent and Christmas are meant to remind us of the great power of Christ coming to earth. We fail to anticipate Christ coming into the world, not just in this season, but also in every season of life. God is with us. God comes to us. We can and should anticipate the work of God in our lives and in the world. It is already here and already happening.

If we can anticipate that Christ is with us—assuming a “yes” knowing that God is for us and wants to redeem all things— then I suspect our own relationship with God, our families, our churches and the world may begin to look differently to us. Instead of assuming the worst, we can assume Christ will redeem us. At the very least we should have our hearts and minds focused on Christ instead of on the circumstances that surround us.

In the end, our anticipation is not a matter of hope. It is a matter of trust. It is knowing that the essence of faith is trust. We can and should trust the God of the universe, anticipating His coming to us in all seasons and circumstances. As we think about what it means to model a godly life and faith to our children, we cannot possibly do so without the help of Christ and without anticipating that God is with us and will be with our children.

One of the ways my wife and I teach and model this to our children is found in a simple practice when we have dinner together as a family. This practice has become so much a part of our lives that our kids ask to do it when we have company, when we are eating out or even when we eat a fast food meal in the car while traveling. What is that practice? At dinner we engage in a time of sharing of our highs, our lows and our holies.

We share the high part of our day, the best thing that happened. We share a low part of our day, if we had one, a moment or experience that was challenging or frustrating. We then finish by sharing a holy moment, a moment where we saw or thought about God. This practice has taught each of us the discipline of looking for God in our everyday lives and anticipating that God is with us.

Some very simple yet profound moments have been shared by our 6 and 8 year old children as we bring our holy moments to the table. One night our daughter shared that her holy was meeting a friend in a wheelchair because she knew that even though that person was in the wheelchair, God was with them. Our son once shared that his holy moment was when a friend insulted him during a football game at

recess; he reminded each of us that even though it hurt his feelings, he knew that God was with him. In each of these cases, our children’s perspective on life, relationships and God was altered by simply forming the habit of looking for God, of anticipating that Christ has come and continues to come to them in the most simple and most profound moments of life.

The gift of Christmas is that we can anticipate that God is with us and desires to bring His life, grace, mercy, forgiveness and redemption to us over and over again. Advent and Christmas are a time of anticipating Jesus Christ born in a manger so that we might be saved. This Christ Child came to save, but also came to demonstrate the love of God. He seeks to be a part of our lives and to redeem each and every moment, experience and relationship we have.

Anticipate, for Emmanuel, God is with us!

Marcus J. Carlson

is an ordained pastor (LCMC & NALC), currently serving at St. Mark’s Lutheran Church, Auburn, IN. He is a spiritual director, professor, speaker, writer and consultant, with 15+ years experience in youth and family ministry. He and his wife, Jessica, have two children.

Published on Fuller Seminary’s Burner Blog for Pastors and Leaders.

Read the Article here

by Marcus J. Carlson

Conflict in Jesus Name

One of my favorite passages in the gospels is found in Matthew 18:15-20. It’s a passage that I talk about constantly and recently had the opportunity to preach on for the first time. It’s a passage about dealing with sin and conflict in the church. It’s also the passage where we find the phrase ‘in Jesus’ name’ and the often quoted verse ‘for wherever two or three gather in my name, I am there with them.’

In this passage we find a step-by-step process for dealing with sin and conflict in our lives and in the church. The practical nature of this passage is very helpful as conflict is a difficult reality of life together in Christian community and something that all leaders in the church face. I have found that when I stick to the process offered here by Jesus, resolution comes in a more healthy way. It’s not easy to face conflict, and the process for dealing with it that Jesus provides is difficult. How we handle conflict is a significant factor in the health of our families, communities, organizations and churches. The first step in dealing with conflict from this passage is to go directly to the one that the conflict is with. It is often much easier to talk about someone than it is to talk to someone, and it’s a great sacrifice and a sign of love to go to a person and address a conflict. I suspect that more than 90% of all conflicts can be resolved in this first step. If the first step is unsuccessful, the next step is to bring in another party to help resolve the conflict. This does not mean bringing in your forces to defend your position, but to bring others in to shed light on the conflict and help find resolution. I suspect that most of the conflict that cannot be resolved in the first step can be resolved in this one. The third step if the first two do not work is to bring the issue to the church. My best understanding of this is that we bring the conflict to a group within the church who has the role of brining resolution to conflict. Churches and other ministries help people with relationships, grief, baptism and many other needs. Churches should also provide assistance in conflict. If this step is not successful, the passage suggests that the unresolved conflict should result in someone leaving the community of faith. This is a harsh suggestion that I have yet to see come to fruition if the rest of the process was followed.

While I have often looked to this passage in regards sin and conflict particularly in the church, something new struck me as I studied this passage in preparation for my sermon. Certainly it’s a passage about the importance of unity, and it is a reminder that God is with us at all times. It reminds us that we should seek God’s help and presence in all things, especially in the midst of conflict. As I thought about how this passage concludes, it struck me that we could see conflict as something we can do in the name of Jesus. While conflict is not enjoyable, its ability to teach, humble and redeem are undeniable. It is in the midst of conflict I have learned the most and additionally, it is in the midst of conflict that some of my most significant relationships have been deepened. While easy for us to believe in the redeeming power of Christ and the cross when we think about our sin and salvation, it is not as easy to see the redeeming power of Christ in the midst of conflict, especially in the church. Conflict is more than a necessary evil; it is an opportunity to give something over to Christ completely and to trust God to do something powerful. Conflict does not have to destroy us. If handled in the way Jesus showed us and done in the name of Jesus, conflict can be an indicator of the presence of Christ among us.

Published on Fuller Seminary’s Burner Blog for Pastors and Leaders.

Read the Article here

by Marcus J. Carlson

Feedback

Feedback is yet another one of those things I have a love-hate relationship with. Over the past 15 years in ministry, I have found that feedback, along with conflict and failure has been my greatest teacher. So often, feedback has helped give me a new perspective, show me something I had missed, created a great understanding of my context or been a launch pad for vision. I have always sought to be teachable and to be open to feedback. There is certainly an important balance as there is certainly such a thing as too much feedback and too little feedback. Feedback can of course be positive, negative or neutral. There is no question that every ounce of feedback from the deep to the ridiculous has at least a kernel of truth in it. Our job as leaders is to pray and discern where the truth lies and decide what to do with it and then discard the rest. This is one of the greatest challenges of leadership in my own experience. God certainly speaks to each of us through one another; that is one of the greatest purposes and gifts of Christian community, but that does not make it easy.

Feedback, even when it is ridiculous, can be painful. I still remember the time when I got one of those Christian compliments, the ones with the giant ‘but’ in the middle of the sentence: “You sure are a good preacher, but you look like the devil.” Feedback can also be encouraging, even if it is challenging. I will never forget when a colleague challenged me to consider how much power I was giving a particular supervisor in my own life. It stung, but it was immensely encouraging and helpful. Christians certainly do not lack in opinions, especially in the church, so there is always plenty of feedback. It is not easy to find a consistent and healthy balance in ministry leadership when it comes to feedback, both in how much feedback is offered and how we handle it.

I have worked in settings where there was far too little feedback. There were plenty of opinions, but sharing feedback was strongly discouraged and when it was shared, it was often met with resistance and in the case of staff, threats. There was no unity or support within the organization because no one could share safely. I have also been in a setting where there was far too much feedback and any negative feedback was taken as gospel due to a fear of conflict at the top of the organization. One sign of unhealth in this case was that in the introduction to the organization on the website, the leader asked for feedback in their introduction to the ministry. That was also tiring because it created greater conflict and fear and caused the organization to lack a clear direction.

I think it is natural for any leader to overestimate their approach to feedback. I know that this is the case for me. While I try to hear all feedback, I have a tendency at times to be reactive or come across as defensive and other times I take feedback far too seriously that should be given very little weight. I think all leaders should take time at least once a year to reflect on and evaluate their own approach to feedback and carefully consider what kind of organizational culture created in their church, ministry or organization when it comes to feedback. It is not only an issue of teachability but also an issue of accountability and health. It may not be easy, but we do not want to miss out on something the Holy Spirit has for us in the midst of the sea of feedback we face.

Published on Fuller Seminary’s Burner Blog for Pastors and Leaders.

Read the Article here

by Marcus J. Carlson

A Parable for the Church

The other day I found myself reflection on the Parable of the house built on sand found in Matthew 7:24-27. I have thought about and reflected on this parable many times over the years, but something struck me this time that I have missed in the past. I have focused on this story Jesus tells on an individual level, mainly my own faith and the faith of others. I have at times thought about it in relation to my marriage and family, but mostly in relationship to hearing the words of Jesus and obeying them in my own life.

Last week as I was thinking about this parable, I found myself thinking about the church today, particularly in the United States. I have recently transitioned to a new church and into the lead pastor role for the first time. This has created additional reflection for me, which has been good but at times overwhelming. I tend to naturally reflect on the big picture challenges and opportunities the church is facing today and then reflect on them in my own context. Sometimes this happens in the reverse order. I think so many churches today are suffering from an identity crisis. It is not clear what our churches are built on in many cases. It could be tradition, denomination, comfort, attraction, habit, entertainment and much more. The irony is that while we criticize culture for its lack of focus on God, I think the church has also lost focus to the point where if we are honest with ourselves, many of our churches are built on sand and no longer the rock.

In our quest for relevance, comfort or growth and in the midst of our fear of change, death, and loss, I think it has become easy for the church to look at the waves instead of the rock. If I am honest, as much as I like to say that the churches I have worked for and lead have focused on Jesus, it has been more lip service than it has a reality. One church was built on attraction, another on buildings, another on the staff’s personality, another on a fear of conflict, yet another on a fear of dying, one based on comfort and counseling and the list goes on. I am guilty of losing sight of what matters in my own life, family and church. We are often so busy responding to what is happening in and around our churches that we do not even notice how the loss of focus has become a foundation of sand. The challenge I have been wrestling relates to shifting the church from sand back to the rock. Change is hard and so often our habits dictate our ministry instead of our call. It is hard not to react to what happens inside of our churches and in the culture that surrounds us, but in the end, I think it may all be wind and waves.

Published on Fuller Seminary’s Burner Blog for Pastors and Leaders.

Read the Article here

by Marcus J. Carlson

Leadership Boundaries

Recently I read Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships, and Being Ridiculously in Charge by Henry Cloud. I have always enjoyed Dr. Cloud’s work, but perhaps more recently have found his writings on leadership to be especially encouraging, helpful, meaningful and challenging. Establishing, maintaining and evaluating boundaries as a leader is difficult, particularly in church and ministry settings in my opinion. There are a variety of reasons for this, some theological, some cultural and some related to personality as well. In my own leadership journey, setting and maintaining boundaries has been one area that has taken much longer to learn, particularly when it comes to self-care. If it were not for failure, mentors and education, I am not sure I would even be in a place where I had any healthy boundaries at all, a danger I try to be aware of so that I do not slip into old habits.

The most important message of Dr. Cloud’s books on boundaries came in one statement that was repeated throughout, “Leaders get what they create and what they allow.” This statement has been one of the most life-changing statements I have read, particularly when it comes to my own leadership, especially as the lead pastor in the church I recently started serving. It has also helped me to reflect on past ministry and community leadership, both my own as well as others. I think this statement can be transformative to all leaders and is something we should wrestle with in the contexts in which we serve. Not only will it help us to set better boundaries and take more realistic ownership, it can also guide us into the future as we seek not only to lead and improve our organizations but more importantly change and shape the culture of our organizations, communities and the world. So often churches and other organizations take on the characteristics of their top leader(s). If I were to look at settings in which I lead and looked at the best and the worst aspects of the culture, I would usually find I had primary ownership in that aspect of culture being present. Certainly our churches, ministry and organizations should be more like Christ than they should be the leaders, but this is not always the reality within human organizations. This quote could certainly be read a number of ways, but as I read it I think about the significance of my actions and the importance of intentionality. It has caused me to look at all levels of the church, particularly the overall church culture. If I look at the aspects of the church community that are unhealthy, then I need to examine what is happening that creates and allows those unhealthy aspects of the church community. I need to consider my own ownership and what I can do to no longer create or allow those things that are harmful to the church. If I examine the healthy parts of my church community that are our greatest strengths I have to ask myself what I can do to continue to create and allow those strengths to flourish and what can be done to even enhance those strengths.

As I have thought about these ideas and reflected on my most recent setting and my new ministry setting, I have learned an abundance of things that have changed much of my approach, style and decision-making as a pastor and leader. One of the challenges that churches face culturally has to do with how they handle conflict. Thinking about this and the quote by Cloud, I have already set out to set a paradigm for conflict and even created a conflict covenant to guide those in leadership. I believe that process is critical for healthy churches, but as I examined my own approach to things in light of this quote, I recognized some places where I did not honor process. I have want to be in a church where leadership and decisions are shared, but have had to reevaluate how I create and allow this type of leadership in the context in which I serve, as I have often relied on my own gifts to make this happen, which is a contradiction that I had to address. I cannot get the phrase from Dr. Cloud’s book out of my head and for that I am thankful. Leaders get what they create and what they allow. If you are a leader of a church, ministry or organization or even if you are a leader of a department or specific ministry, keeping this in mind is essential. Even if you are not the primary leader, this phrase can be immensely helpful in shaping the churches, ministries and other organizations that you love. As I look at the settings in which I serve in leadership, I now find myself constantly asking the following questions: what about this organization am I creating or allowing that should not be? What things in my organization do I desire or hope for that I need to work to create or allow? I have already found that asking myself these questions has changed much, and it has forced some much needed reflection on my own gifts and strengths as well as my weaknesses and areas where I need to grow. My boundaries are different as are the boundaries for the organizations I serve. I am thinking differently about the things I do and say as well as the things I do not do and do not say as I look to create a culture that is focused on Christ and looks as much like the Kingdom of God as possible. In our churches, ministries and organizations, we get what we create and what we allow.